Finding Maddy ~ Our Adoption Journey
Our Adoption Journey
I want to start this out with a thank you. I am so happy being able to share my life with you. As I approach the new chapter in my life, I want to share our adventure with you.
It's something that Aron and I thought we were going through alone and then realized; there have to be so many families going through the same thing. We want to publicly share this journey with you.
~The Back Story~
Where it starts is our story. Aron and I met almost 9 years ago and fell in love. We met at the laundry mat in Coal City Il. Love was the last thing that was on my mind that day.
There I was in a t-shirt and penguin pajama pants. He still laughs about those pj's. He was there with his brother and niece. It was just a regular day until all of the events the made him and me "us" was really an amazing story.
Every love story is BEAUTIFUL, but ours is my favorite. --Tweet This
Going a little further back in time, not even a month, is how our story turns into Finding Maddy.
The summer of 2007 I found out I had cancer. I was a single mom of 2: Abby was 6 and Cassie was 1 1/2. I was scared to death. I lived in a small but perfect apartment in Coal City, and my girls and my job were all I focused on.
My grandma had passed away at the end of that summer from a long battle with cancer, she was so brave. My grandpa, her husband, passed away 2 months later to the day, in a motorcycle accident. I miss them so much. Their love for each other made me appreciate love stories and the pure triumph of a life long adventure.
It was in between those two events that I found out. I knew for sure my girls were going to grow up without a mama. It still breaks my heart at the thought of any child being alone. My dad passed away when I was 7, nearly my daughter Abby's age then. My world crumbled before my eyes and I was broken.
I waited until after I had my first surgery to tell anyone. I thought if I tried really hard to fix it, I wouldn't have to tell anyone and it would be ok. Well, it didn't work out like that. I had to tell my family. I needed help.
I told my Aunts. My mom's sister and my dad's sister. They were both very understanding and did everything they could to help. Talking, answering questions, helping me tell mom, helping me be more grown up than I ever thought I would have to be. The hard questions that no one in their 20's wants to answer or even think about, "What will my plan for the girls be if I can't care for them?"
I let Abby spend the Christmas vacation with her grandma in NC and I had it planned for my aunt to take Cassie in the event of me being too sick. My little sister came and stayed with me to help get me through the hardest part. I wanted to be ready and although my heart was breaking, I had to be strong for my girls. I had to get it together. Cancer wasn't exactly in my plans.
I went through a few surgeries and amazingly, they were able to remove my cancer completely. The doctors and staff at Loyola University Hospital were very amazing, understanding, and acted aggressively.
Sadly, the last surgery was a hysterectomy. I was so happy that the surgeries were able to remove my cancer but, the hole it left in me wouldn't heal with time. I didn't realize the depressing issues it would cause later on. I was and am so happy to be the girls' mom.
Now, I am 8 years cancer free.
My one heart-wrenching issue? I'm not able to have any more kids. No matter how hard I try, no matter how bad I want it to happen, it won't. All of my siblings have big families, I was raised in a big family, I wanted a big family. My older sister has 7 kids, my brother has 6, my little sister has only 2 but that was also because of health related issues. My mom had 4 kids, my grandma had 4. My other grama had 3 and adopted a daughter, and even fostered kids for as long as I could remember.
I come from a long line of nurturing women.
I have a want, that is so much more than a want. There's this need to be a mom again. I totally understand the baby blues. My sweet little tiny baby is 10 years old. I miss it. I missed out on so much.
To have to count on someone else to be able to accomplish something so primal is humbling, to say the least. Every time I see a baby bump I want to pat it. I am so happy to welcome every baby into the family with open arms and an open heart and do my best to spoil the tiny bundle.
Every time, I have to fight back the tears and when I can't, I excuse them with believable but short excuses. I am so happy for you, I am so proud of you, this baby is so beautiful. In reality, I mean all of those things but, it's a bittersweet feeling. I am so sad, I am so broken... I am so envious.
Then the questions of why, and the self-blame without confirmation. What if I would have done something different. Is it my fault? Is this a cause and effect situation? Was it God's plan for me to be empty like this in search of something more? Was it God's plan for me to find the baby I could not bare? Will Aron and I find the baby that will be just as much of a blessing to us as we are to her?
With both of my girls, I was a mom. I worked constantly to make sure the bills were paid. I missed out on so much. Abby took her first steps, her first words, & most of her pre 1-year-old milestones, at her grandma's. 5 years later when Cassie came along, I was working 2 full-time jobs, my ex-husband went away, and by the time I got to get them home for the day, it was time for dinner, get ready for bed, get them up and go to day care.
I felt good knowing I was meeting all of their needs but, I feel like I missed out on so much. I would love to be able to be a mom again and be able to enjoy it. I work from home. I have so much more patience now that I am less stressed.
The day that I met Aron in the laundry mat, I was still recovering from the hysterectomy. That was my first day out of the house since the surgery. He still tells Cassie (our love-story lover) how beautiful I was and how that day, he knew God would send him an Angel.
He didn't see the back story by looking at me. He saw the woman he would eventually fall in love with, the woman that would be spending the rest of his life with. I didn't tell him right away about the health issues.
I wanted him to know me for me, not my shortcomings. We started dating about 6 months later and married 2 years after that. He is my rock. He's my best friend and my #1 Fan. I am truly blessed to have such a big supporter.
He loves me so much and I love him for that. He has been supportive of me and the fact that I can't have kids and even though he wanted more kids, he was ok with that.
Now things are changing and a new chapter is going to start. We are growing up and growing together as husband and wife. We feel like our patience is paying off. We got a call last week, they said yes to us. We have found Our Maddy.
There are so many emotions that come along with news like this. The hopes and dreams. Are these the answers we have been quietly praying for? Is this the sweet little baby that we will be able to make our family complete?